If you find yourself in situations where it is hard to say no, while feeling horribly guilty for saying no, it is time to raise your confidence and self-esteem. Not saying no, makes you feel like a complete pushover and you get angry with yourself. You find that people don’t respect your boundaries and expect more of you each time. You also won’t speak up until you become angry and explode which is a reaction that only causes more problems for you.
While you are unable to say no to people, they will continue to take advantage of you. In one way you feel good because you continue helping people to get where they want to be. Yet the side-effect is that you don’t feel good because you are getting nowhere with your own goals and dreams, while you focus on everyone else’s needs.
I was in a relationship where I was made to feel guilty when I said no. I was told I was selfish when I wanted some ‘me time’. Being told you are selfish only enhances your guilt because you don’t choose to be selfish.
Where and what is the balance in assertiveness without being selfish? The balance comes in when you put your own needs first and then the needs of those around you. It’s about your choices and when you can make them without emotions of guilt behind them. This is what emotional intelligence can do for you. When you have controlled emotions, nor a need to please people, you are in a better frame of mind to make informed decisions for yourself.
It is debilitating to you when you cannot do things for yourself and continuously make other people happy for the fear of not being liked. Or even not being loved, wanted or needed. Stop this now. Practise being assertive without any emotion behind it. The emotion only affects you. If the other person cannot handle you saying no to them, they are not worth having as a friend or a partner. If they cannot respect a no from you, they are not worthy of your time and energy.
To raise your emotional intelligence in order to:
- get in touch with your own needs;
- discover your boundaries;
- calmly provide feedback;
- have the confidence to help now and again but not every time;
- have genuine empathy for others;
- provide options to keep everyone at ease;
- keep your cool;
Then join Carolyn on Saturday the 6th of June 2020 at 09h30, for her workshop on ‘Moving Mountains When You Apply Assertiveness’. Click this link to book your Hotspot and get to Hang-Out-With-An-Expert: Carolyn, in order to experience all the advantages above. Or e-mail me now to book your hotspot at debbie@inspirationalfutures.co.za